Feeling Broken on Mother’s Day

I’ve been really high on life lately. The house project is coming along, we are all healthy, I am enjoying my work, we have a wonderful summer ahead. Summer break is prefaced by Cooper’s IEP meeting. Cooper, my 5 year old son with a rare disease, is loving school and thriving. The biggest things we talk about about at the meeting is the implication of Cooper’s short stature, and how we need to modify parts of school to accommodate him, as well as his cervical stenosis, and how his “special neck” is a concern in a environment full of children who often physically interact. We talked about more items, but this is what sticks in my mind. Cooper is different and fragile. I am reminded that Cooper misses an afternoon of school each week in order to go get his infusion at the hospital. We’ll be doing this again next year, and the next. And on and on, as his infusion is a treatment (not a cure), and it’s for the rest of his life.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away a co-worker often expressed to me “what a great mom you’ll be”.

Mother’s Day hits. I feel pressure to “have a great Mother’s Day”. But my feelings are bigger than the day. I take my son to infusion once a week and literally hold him down (kicking, screaming and crying) while we stick a needle in his mediport to give him a life changing drug. Then we hang out for 5 hours, watching Star Wars, baseball, hockey and You Tube until I have to hold him down again to take the needle out. He misses school, I miss work, I miss occasional special things in my daughter’s school day, and we do it all again next week. Is Cooper going to resent me for this? I don’t know. Worth the time, expense, pain and suffering? I believe so.

Through Cooper’s diagnosis, I’ve become connected with mothers who don’t fight their kids for infusion, because their kids have lost the battle to their rare disease. I feel survivors guilt. I see moms whose kids need more care than Cooper. I know these ladies wear capes under their “Someone I love needs a Cure” t-shirts. These moms are amazing souls, full of light and life. I am blessed to connect with them and share in their stories. They motivate me.

Then there are the friends whose mother’s have passed. I think of the recent loved ones who have passed, but really, how long until Mother’s day doesn’t sting for those friends? I’m betting never. Survivor’s guilt again.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away a co-worker often expressed to me “what a great mom you’ll be”. I was full of crafty energy and silly fun and loved playing with her kids – all kids. 20 years later, I’m wondering what happened to my former self. Yep, parenthood has changed me. I’m tired, what parents aren’t? But I feel broken. Often, kids make me nervous now. A room full of kids at school? Only after a Xanax, thank you. A bus load of kids on the way to a field trip? Nope. Learned that lesson. Not enough Xanax for that one.

Babies!!! I was always good with babies! Who doesn’t love a baby? Me, apparently. After Cooper’s diagnosis, it took me years to look at a baby and love the baby for who they were – not for the reminder of Cooper before he was diagnosed and our life was partially shattered.

So instead of all of this running through my head on Mother’s Day, I’m going to just pass. I’ll focus on other mothers – my mom, my Grandma, and make their day special. Because my head/heart is having trouble reconciling my role as a mother.

One thought on “Feeling Broken on Mother’s Day

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s