Seeking Stillness

I find myself seeking stillness recently. A lack of things. A lack of motion. A lack of noise. A lack of doing. A lack of thinking? Or am I seeking the stillness to allow thought?

I am sooooooo tired. Like drop the kids off at school, jar myself awake as I drive home, crawl back into bed for a two hour nap – tired. (Mind you I’m in bed by 10pm on a nightly basis) I make sure I don’t have anything pressing for work, then I set my alarm for noon and doze off. It doesn’t take me 5 minutes. It’s not like I want to surf Facebook or play a video game. I need to shut my eyes. I have SO MANY things I need to tend to, all piled up in my inbox. It’s not even neatly sorted. The number of things I need to catch up on and the breadth of emails I need to address to get everything figured out is appalling. Apparently, I’m currently operating on the “whoever screams the loudest gets addressed” system.

The fact that I feel the need to sleep when I have so much piled up makes me realize something has shifted – perhaps I don’t care? I can’t care about it all. I cared about it ALL for so long. And I can’t anymore. Is my body shifting into self-preservation mode? Or am I truly just exhausted after the most difficult year of my life?

Being “mom” makes me (and so many others) the funnel for my family’s health, social, school, and church related things. Let’s try to cram Mom’s work, volunteer duties, exercise, typical chores and me-time in the funnel too. But WHAT?? There is a pandemic and now everything is done virtually? What’s the email address for all things virtual at my house? Mom@PerhapsThisIsTooMuch.com The funnel is overflowing.

Today is infusion day for Cooper which means we are at the hospital for 6 or 7 hours. We bring Coop’s school stuff, my computer and some gaming devices. School work is complete. But instead of digging into my personal inbox I find myself staring out the window, taking in the scenery. Making up a story about the Pest Control guy by the Central Utility Plant and what he orders at Chic-Fil-A. Watching the oversized ground hogs and wondering if they are the pests. Wondering where the hawks are, and when will it snow? Maybe I’ll ask for a warm blanket and nap next.

I don’t know where the “Go getter Chris” is, but if you see her, will you send her home? The dazed and confused mom there needs a boost.