Cooper lives every day with passion. Recently, sports passion. Every day is a new day to set up the bases in the back yard and play baseball. Every day is a day closer to his next T-ball game. Every day is an opportunity to veer the car from our intended destination to stop and watch a baseball game in progress as we drive by any school/park/ball field.

Last week was Cooper’s first T-ball game. Nevermind he’s been playing baseball in the yard for over a year, and his last birthday party was at a neighborhood ball field where we could play baseball on actual dirt, with a real pitcher’s mound, bases and stands. This 5 year old can throw, mimic a pitcher, catcher, and can make contact with a ball that is pitched. He loves to run the bases. He’ll keep score, and keep track of “ghost runners” when we run out of players. He loves the game, the sequence of events and all the parts that go into it. When in our backyard, he’ll sing the national anthem before the players come onto the field from their dugouts, which are labeled in chalk on our back porch – “home” and “visitors”.

Seeing Cooper light up last week as he chatted with his teammates, then proudly hit the ball and ran the bases, reminded me to enjoy, share and cherish the good parts of my time with Cooper – to enjoy the time he can fit in as a typical kid.

He loves baseball so much right now that our bedtime story tonight was simply a list of every World Series Champion, and who they beat. No real plot there, and it took much longer than the average bedtime book! Alas it was a fun read to see the history of which teams started in different cities, as well as the teams who lost the Series sometimes coming back to win the following year. We stopped to chat about those items, as well as any teams we’ve seen in person or favorite teams of family members.

Cooper’s T-ball team is coached by none other that his Daddy, Brian. When I told Cooper that Daddy was going to be his coach, Cooper cheered and jumped for joy! And then the planning started: “Daddy and I will ride in the same car to the game, because he’s my coach” and at dinner, “I’m going to sit on this side of the table, next to my coach.” And on and on.

We are blessed to have Brian. This Daddy is patient, upbeat and can handle the energy, awkwardness, and lack of attention of the team of eight five year olds.

For those of you unfamiliar with a T-Ball game of Kindergarteners, let me paint a picture:

  • First, the defensive team has several parents in the field, to remind the kids to spread out, watch for the ball, and stop playing in the dirt.
  • Next, there are repeated attempts by the at-bat team for the hitter to hit the ball off the tee.
    • After successful contact with the ball, the batter usually needs to be reminded to run to first base. This follows with much pointing, yelling and arm waving (on behalf of of every parent, coach and older sibling) to direct the now runner in the direction of first base.
    • In the meantime, every child on the defensive team (who wasn’t playing in the dirt) runs to get the ball – even the kid standing on third base who is now battling the first baseman for the ball rolling behind second base. They haven’t figured out it’s a team sport yet, and there is must jockeying and sometimes pushing to get to the ball first.
    • With the help of coaches and parents in the infield, the ball gets back to home plate and the process starts again.
  • Now that we have a runner on first base base, we are back to getting a successful hit for batter number two.
  • Another successful hit, and every child on the field – including the runner on first base – will chase the ball. You get the picture….

The good news is, there are no outs and everyone gets to hit and run.

It’s so great to watch the kids learn, together, in a supportive environment. I am beyond thankful that Cooper can participate and is loving it. It’s a little piece of “normal kid life” we will cherish forever.

Feeling Broken on Mother’s Day

I’ve been really high on life lately. The house project is coming along, we are all healthy, I am enjoying my work, we have a wonderful summer ahead. Summer break is prefaced by Cooper’s IEP meeting. Cooper, my 5 year old son with a rare disease, is loving school and thriving. The biggest things we talk about about at the meeting is the implication of Cooper’s short stature, and how we need to modify parts of school to accommodate him, as well as his cervical stenosis, and how his “special neck” is a concern in a environment full of children who often physically interact. We talked about more items, but this is what sticks in my mind. Cooper is different and fragile. I am reminded that Cooper misses an afternoon of school each week in order to go get his infusion at the hospital. We’ll be doing this again next year, and the next. And on and on, as his infusion is a treatment (not a cure), and it’s for the rest of his life.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away a co-worker often expressed to me “what a great mom you’ll be”.

Mother’s Day hits. I feel pressure to “have a great Mother’s Day”. But my feelings are bigger than the day. I take my son to infusion once a week and literally hold him down (kicking, screaming and crying) while we stick a needle in his mediport to give him a life changing drug. Then we hang out for 5 hours, watching Star Wars, baseball, hockey and You Tube until I have to hold him down again to take the needle out. He misses school, I miss work, I miss occasional special things in my daughter’s school day, and we do it all again next week. Is Cooper going to resent me for this? I don’t know. Worth the time, expense, pain and suffering? I believe so.

Through Cooper’s diagnosis, I’ve become connected with mothers who don’t fight their kids for infusion, because their kids have lost the battle to their rare disease. I feel survivors guilt. I see moms whose kids need more care than Cooper. I know these ladies wear capes under their “Someone I love needs a Cure” t-shirts. These moms are amazing souls, full of light and life. I am blessed to connect with them and share in their stories. They motivate me.

Then there are the friends whose mother’s have passed. I think of the recent loved ones who have passed, but really, how long until Mother’s day doesn’t sting for those friends? I’m betting never. Survivor’s guilt again.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away a co-worker often expressed to me “what a great mom you’ll be”. I was full of crafty energy and silly fun and loved playing with her kids – all kids. 20 years later, I’m wondering what happened to my former self. Yep, parenthood has changed me. I’m tired, what parents aren’t? But I feel broken. Often, kids make me nervous now. A room full of kids at school? Only after a Xanax, thank you. A bus load of kids on the way to a field trip? Nope. Learned that lesson. Not enough Xanax for that one.

Babies!!! I was always good with babies! Who doesn’t love a baby? Me, apparently. After Cooper’s diagnosis, it took me years to look at a baby and love the baby for who they were – not for the reminder of Cooper before he was diagnosed and our life was partially shattered.

So instead of all of this running through my head on Mother’s Day, I’m going to just pass. I’ll focus on other mothers – my mom, my Grandma, and make their day special. Because my head/heart is having trouble reconciling my role as a mother.